Pressing Conversation

So in my time here at Off the Wall there have been many conversations where someone in the group notices something about me (through conversation, discussion, or whatever) and we decide to dig into it. This is where community is bitter sweet. In moments like this where the investigation on to why I feel as I do or act the way I act I'm uncomfortable. I'm either aggravated or vulnerable witch is two emotions that are well UNCOMFORTABLE! But this discomfort brings out profit. It helps me know my actions or feelings better and helps me understand myself or it reveals a weakness that needed to be revealed. I'm thankful for my community and we haven't had this situation in a while, I don't know what that means but I think that as I become more and more intentional in my conversation these situations will continue to pop up.

Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another."

Poem

Well last week in one of my classes I had to write a poem. I had chosen the word contentment and so that was what the poem needed to be about. I wrote this poem with how this word applies to me now and to be honest I'm impressed with this poem. I've never really wrote poetry before but this might become something I do every once in a while. So here it is!

Contentment

Beautiful hair kissed by the wind

A sun wormed body smooth and soft

She grasps my hand gentle and firm

Who is this that pulls me

She bites her lip and looks me in the eye

Looking into the soul of another

I see passion love and compassion

Strength in beauty even a love for God is present

I see a face but do not know

Why do I lust so hard

It is not my time I have been told

My mind is consumed with this future gift

Why am I not content

The Lord is more beautiful

The Lord fills me with more passion than lust

His love grace and peace holds tighter than any grip

Contentment in the Lord

Nothing can fill His place

The gift will be given the love will be had

Jesus is enough His gifts come in His will and timing

Poetry

 One of my assignments this week was to write a poem. Now to be honest this freaked me out a wee bit. You see in school I never really understood it and well I didn't ask for clarity either. I never saw myself writing any poetry, but I'm learning that God seems to bring us and use allot of things I thought I would never do or never do again. He has been teaching me to not restrict myself in what He can use through me. If God wants me to do it I'll do it, I will leave my pride trampled behind. Pride gets in the way! The thoughts of "I'll look dumb" comes not from God but from the enemy! There are still moments where my pride is in the way but one day this flesh will be defeated and this pride of self will be no more.

Besides I kind of liked writing this poem... I'll probably post it next week after I present it for class. I would sooo rather do this than write a five page paper!

Mark 21-23 "For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”

In My Mind

Today was one of those days where I was pretty internal. I don't know if this is good or not but it happens every once in a while. When I'm like this I do allot of inner seeking. I look at my thoughts, I look at my past and I look at where I am now. I guess I go through a deep self analysis. When I'm like this I talk to God allot in my head and I ask allot of questions. He to be honest doesn't answer allot of them haha but I know He's listening and only answering the ones that need answers. In the past when I was like this I would doubt my faith and wonder If there was a god... I'm happy to say that is no longer a problem! Now He's really the one I talk through and process my mind with. If you could see the Image in my head it would look like this, Me and Jesus literally walking through this world that is my mind, It's spacy and sometimes there are mountains, sometimes there are oceans, other times we are just standing on a cliff looking out into this world. There isn't allot of what I would call "conversation" its allot of me just putting questions in the air and Jesus commenting or answering every now and then. It's like me and Jesus are on this journey with no destination. I don't think there is a destination.. I don't know I'm still kind of processing this and still in this mode as we speak... I know I'm leaving this kind of without an ending but if I had an ending I would give it.

 I have had some people ask me if I'm sad or ok when I get in this mode so I guess there is some out word difference but I'm not sad I guess I'm just so deep inside that I don't even think about my expression, my posture, or anything. I can get somewhat anti social but don't take it personally I'm just thinking, really thinking, trying to figure out who I'm becoming and sometimes finding goals or things I need to change.

Sorry if this makes no sense to you

Seeking

Jeremiah 29 13-14 "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord,.." Constantly seeking Jesus is something that has been key in staying in Gods will. One way I have been seeking is through knowledge of the scripture. Getting in His word. Reading what He has given me to point me to Him. I think the Word is the biggest tool the Spirit uses to enlighten us. As I grow closer to Jesus His love brings me more and more to His Word. By gaining more biblical knowledge I gain more knowledge of Jesus and with more knowledge of Jesus I better understand how to Love Him, and the more I love Him the more I want to know Him. Its a great cycle that I prey I remember. I have done so many things for Jesus because I love Him but now I realize that knowing Him is more important than anything I can "do" for Him. I mean think about it what if someone did so many things for you and said they did it because they "Loved" you but they never stopped doing things to just sit down and get to know you. Kind of a Martha and Mary kind of moment (Luke 10 starts in verse 38) Jesus care so much more about our relationship than he dose our works. This has helped me in my struggle with contentment as well, knowing that our relationship is more important than anything else, knowing that I need not stress on "what He wants me to do next" because He will tell me to move when I need to move, God will always communicate, its the status of our relationship that will determine how well I listen.  

Blessing

Today was such a blessing. It may sound so "bla" to say but really it was a day full of blessings. First off a family of one of the guys in the house has been visiting this week and they have been blessing us with food and today came back to the house with a blender. Yeah you herd me a blender! This means us as a guys house, we are going to have sooo many smoothies. Along side if this the family is great company and really have a good heart for our ministry.

Next today I had the opportunity to run sound for the band Polen. This is a great worship band and I love to share worship time with them leading. I got a call this week saying that they might need a temporary sound guy because the regular one might be busy. Well turned out I was needed and so I was picked up and spent the rest of my day devoted to setting up, running, and tearing down equipment. Its stressful but it was a good stress. It was a great time of fellowship fallowed by worship of the Great and Holy God. I really was a blessing to be able to serve Polen and serve God through that today. God is good.

knowledge

Biblical knowledge is something I have been seeking sense I found my identity in Christ. I looked back at my christian upbringing and saw all the time I had in church, Awana, youth group, and realized I had only listened to the bible and read so little of it myself. The effect of this was I felt inferior to allot of christians. I never felt like I could have biblical conversation because I could never tell you where in the bible I was referring to. It was so defeating to have to rely on the ones around me to tell me where the major events of the bible happened (the flood, Moses, the plagues on Egypt, ect.) I felt like I wasn't a real believer. It hurt my security very much and I also saw myself as a useless christian; outside of doing service.

My next stumbling block with knowledge was the fact that I really struggle with memorization. I think this is what turned me off to reading the bible in the first place. It was so pushed to just memorize memorize memorize and I couldn't do it. even as I grew older memorization was so hard for me. I remember my junior or senior year in high school my church was doing a mission trip to Montana to help a church next to an Indian reservation. Now one of the things we were doing in the group was memorizing a good chunk of scripture. I remember sitting in my room crying my eyes out because no matter how hard I tried it just wasn't happening. I felt so worthless, I thought to myself "you are so stupid! you cant even memorize three verses? what kind of christian are you? your not going to be able to go on this trip because you fail to meet the standard." Even now simply mentioning that there is memorization freaks me out inside. I know God is bigger than my failure to do this but every time I try and try and I end up in tears defeated.

I know what the bible says, can I say it word for word no but I know what it says. I have discovered that as I fall deeper and deeper in love with Jesus that I also fall deep in love with His Word. And with this love I read more and as a result I know more and as a result of that I remember more. So its a slower process that "simple" memorization but I think God has pushed me this way so I keep reading his word. If I was to have memorized scripture in the past it would be so hard for me to go back and study it. I would feel like I already "know" it. I have realized that the best way I can Love Jesus is to know Him. How do I get to know Him? I read His word. It helps my relationship with Him so much and I know nothing is more important than that, my relationship, likeness, and Love for Jesus. All I need has been given to me through the Spirit and through His Word. Both point to Jesus. I know Jesus dose not see me as a failure He loves me and has great things in store for me. I pray that I never stop reading the word so that I can always know how to love Him better.

Matthew 22:37 "And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."

Contentment in a little thing

Contentment has been a word for me lately. Right now it applies to my sickness. This weekend I got a really bad head cold that game me a cough that sounds like death and a sinus head ache that feels like it puts my head in a vice. Throughout the weekend I had to pray that he work through me for I was in no shape to help lead worship playing the cajon but I knew thats where he wanted me. He wanted to show me that He makes His will passable and the only way for His will to be passable is through Him. I needed a reminder of how much He is to be involved in my life. the answer to that is "IN EVERYTHING!!" We even sang about it in worship and it was a great feeling.

Now the weekend is over and I have been trying to get rid of this sickness..... But I'm realizing that Gods lessons don't stop. I am sick and to be honest I have stopped asking for healing. Instead I know me being sick is His will and weather I understand it or not, I am content with Him in me even in my physical sickness. This sickness is not a worry nor should it prevent me from loving God any less because He has not "healed me" right away. I will be fine and being sick will not stop God from working His will through me. He is bigger than this.

1st Peter 2:11-12  "Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation." 

Worship

Well sorry I missed a few days here, but hay I'm back!

Tonight I worshiped from the stage for the first time! TALK ABOUT CRAZY!! So I was playing an instrument that the only training I have is the messing around I've done here and there (cajon). And I never practiced from the musical end before (I am a sound guy so normally they play and I adjust so it all sounds right together.) But we needed a drummer and well I have an ear for it and I had the right encouragement from my community to try it.

When it came time to play there was a great peace that came over me and I knew it was Jesus. I had been praying that day that my hand be not my own for they will fail, may my hands be controlled by yours so your glory be shown. It threw me for a bit because I felt like I should be way more nervous than I was. But when I knew I was in Gods hands I just let Him go. This was such a great experience! The crowed was AMAZING!! they were so loud and we could barely play over them with a sound system. They were singing and worshiping loud and strong! It made us all on stage just want to stop and listen to them instead of leading! Truly a great experience, God showing you the fruit of what you have done for Him is such a blessing and I thank Him for this gift.

1 Corinthians 27-31 "But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”

I love that Jesus is in my life. Really reflecting and seeing the impact of God in my life. It's crazy to see and hear the impact that Gods presence in my life effects the life of people around me. Even though I didn't see it then or there wasn't immediate "effect" I see some impact now and people are talking to me about that impact. These things are easy to hear and take credit for but I know it was not me, for if they were seeing me they would see nothing impressionable. Its truly amazing to see the that the power of God is so strong that its impact on my life also changes others. It is soooo much bigger than me! And I love it! To God be the glory

2nd Corinthians 12:6 "though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me."

Holy

We as believers are called to be holy. Why? Because He is holy, and he said for us to be like Him. No other reason or explanation is needed because He is God what other qualification is needed? I think we question Gods authority to much and don't trust his plan. Now am I saying if god tells you to kill someone then kill them" NO that wouldn't line up with scripture! This is where the Word and the Spirit help us discern what is from God and what is not. Don't forget the importance of the Word either! The Word holds truth and it is God breathed(2nd Timothy 3:16) so no order from God will contradict it. But we are talking about being HOLY this order is one that lines up with scripture and is a calling that should not be ignored.

1 Peter 1:16 "since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”"

Radical

"Its only radical because the world is so fallen and Christians have become lazy in their faith. It makes doing simply what we are supposed to do considered radical." This statement came out of my mouth yesterday. And I like it! Off the Wall had a big discussion on the word radical the other night and some good points came up. The main thing that jumped out at me was something that was said something like this (not exact quote) "its not so much "radical" as it is simply obedience." This made sense to me! We say be radical but what is looked at as radical is living a life like Christ! Like truly trying to live it! But is that not what we are called to as believers of Jesus Christ?!?! The bible dose not say to "get saved and live how you want because you have fire insurance from hell" NO! It tells us to be more like Christ and Believe in our Father! I pray that I be considered radical! That means I'm obeying my call and I'm striving to be more like Christ. "Take God out of my life and nothing I have done makes sense" I pray my choices and the way I live my life will be considered crazy because without the understanding of God they will not understand. Outside of God I would not have been able to live through all that I have experienced! With the things I have gone through I SHOULD NOT BE OK! If I would tell a psychologist my life they would look at me and be like "you should be seriously screwed up! You should be depressed and have major daddy issues!" I am filthy rags without Him but with Him I am whole and I am capable to do many great things through His will.

1st john 2:4-6 " Whoever says “I know him” but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked."

Just Good Days And Blessings

Today the guys and I went and helped out a music store in some modelling. It has been too long sense I could really get out there and do work with my hands, it was truly a blessing to be able to serve in that way. Manual labor has always been my favorite way to serve! I have been blessed with a great body that God has prepared to be strong and work. I knew from an early age that this labor was a way that as long as God kept me healthy I could serve Him by serving others. I felt so great and Joy, excitement raced through me and I hope it showed as much as I felt (I can kinda suck at that at times).

Another great part about serving with labor is all the people you meet. With volunteer labor comes some pretty fun characters and mostly old men. No joke physical service brings out the old men because they offer their wisdom and experience from their life. I love hearing how they learned what they are doing and I love working side by side with men who's experience is shown in their hands and faces. It truly is amazing who your working next to. To hear some of their adventure called life and see God's blessing in it. Hearing all the old jokes and just getting real encouragement from men who really get what encouragement is. Old men like these men know how a man wants to be talked to and if they see even a glimpse of a smile from you it seems they are satisfied. Sure they cant do as much, or get in the way at times, cause some tension because you are doing things differently than them but I would rather have one of these Old, fun, experienced men than 15 young strong guys here just to get it done. Because they get that the job is not nearly as important as our lives. And with Biblical old men they know the real importance is God.

All of this really brightened my day and reminded me of a gift of service that I had missed very much. I love how God, Jesus , and the Spirit work. I could write on this topic forever telling you stories of all the old men I have met through service labor and what God has shown me but there is not enough time in your attention span for me to keep on going so I'll just have to share some more later  

Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,"

Late Nights or Erly Mornings

Lately a few of the guys and I have been staying up late and having some really good talks. It has been great we can stay up late and have real time to challenge each other, confront some little issues and bond closer together. And it was fun to stay up late and do the dumb things that men do when we are up late. We had allot of fun and still had serious and biblical conversation, it was pretty cool to look back on it and see that it wasn't just another "we stayed up late and did dumb stuff" kinda night, we had constructive and meaningful conversation. Well I better get to bed because we were up tell 6am this morning... and then we slept tell 9-10am...... and its 11:24pm now haha

God is Good

"God is good all the time and all the time God is good" 

This is a quote I remember hearing in the church and it was one of the first things besides salvation that I really took in and held on to. Herd that phrase this morning and it was a good reminder. The Holy Spirit reminds us of good truths 

John 14:26 "But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you."

Death

One Wednesday night I was at my college bible study and a silence came over the room, some grave news was spoken to the group. Ethan had hug himself early that morning. This was a boy close to my age and we had a conflict in our past that ended our friendship. We didn't shun each other but we didn't hang out or do anything together anymore. He was socially awkward and didn't get along well with the many people so when our friendship ended I worried for him a little. Later I herd he found a group of friends similar to himself and I no longer felt bad about leaving him. He later stopped going to our church but he would sometimes go to his old church so I just assumed he went there. It wasn't long after that when he really left my thoughts. And that brings us back to where we started, here on this Wednesday night. Back in the silence, my mind went to how our friendship ended and I found myself looking back on the ministry I had in his life and how bad any of that was damaged when our friendship ended. We spent the bible study time praying over this situation and for his family. I remember my pastor saying something like this "I know he is with you now lord" and It made me think of him standing face to face with Jesus. I became jealous! I started to speak in my mind praying to God "Why is he so lucky to see you face to face now? Why do I have to keep living on this rock and trudge through this sinful place?" "Why cant I come home and see you yet?" And I remember getting my answer, "Shaun I have great plans for you and your work is not yet done." That answer was clear as day inside my mind, and inside my soul. I started crying at this point but not over Ethan's death, why would I he's with Jesus in heaven! what there is to be sad about? Sure he took his life selfishly into his own hands but nun of that mattered now because he was in eternity! I was crying because I wanted to be face to face with Jesus! I wanted to bask in the Light of His Glory and no longer be troubled by this world. Later my mother and I went to the funeral and as I sat in a chair in the funeral home I started thinking about how I really cant sympathize with any of these people here with sad faces. I have never really been effected emotionally by death. I don't feel that sharp pain inside twisting my guts and pulling my tears down my face. because of this I find it hard to help anyone who feels that pain. I cant sympathize at all, I have no clue how that feels, death dose not effect me so. All I feel like I can do is remind them (if they are saved) that they are in a better place. I can be someone who can be leaned on but when it comes to talking about the pain of death I am just not the person to talk to. I will try my best but like I said I cant sympathize.  

Death never really bothered me. Growing up I cant remember being really that sad over the death of anyone. I don't know if it was just ignorance or something that God gave me a strange peace over. So with that I can not sympathize with the painful grieving proses that I see in others. The shock of our life being able to be taken never bothered me either I haven't really taken life for granite. I do not fear death because I know where I'm going and that excites me more than it could root up fear. And I know that if God took me then he would take care of everyone I left behind, so I will not worry for they are in the best hands.

1st Peter 1:3-9 "(3) Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, (4) to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, (5) who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. (6) In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, (7)so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. (8) Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, (9) obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

Meeting New People

I love meeting new people! I love hearing about their journey of how they got to where they are now and what they see for the future. Seeing people open up and making an effort to ask the questions they want to ask or just participating in conversation. If you know me you know what I'm talking about here when I say that I like to read people. Seeing their expressions and seeing how they react to questions or other people is exciting, getting to know someone is exciting for me. And really it never ends because as long as someone is growing they change, and that's just as exciting for me. Seeing change (hopefully good biblical change) is such a great thing to see. AHHHHH I just Love people and I thank God for the overflowing love he provides.

John 15:12 "This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."

Excitement and Love

I was asked today what excites me about Jesus. The Adventure was my answer. Knowing that this road hard and full of trials. Trials that could be full of pain and extreme circumstances, but the outcome of those trials is growth. Knowing that God has promised to do great things through me for His glory. Knowing that He is taking this worthless man (who by himself is a dirty tattered rag) and has plans to do great and amazing things. When I'm down I think these are good things to remind myself of. To remind myself that God is allowing this trial for His glory and I need to keep my gaze on Him and not the storm. I need to remember that God is intentional with my life and I need to be Intentional with it as well. I pray that I remember that the Spirit is the power of God in me and that with that seeming imposable circumstances are possible with HIM. I'm praying that I truly LOVE people and realize the eternal possibilities of Jesus in their lives. I don't have trouble loving the ones people typically have a hard time loving, like the rebels, druggies, the sexually impure, or the people hardened by violence. The people I struggle with are usually the "believers" who are arrogant, extremely selfish, or the ones putting themselves in a false reality of making God whoever they want Him to be. These "fellow believers" are the ones I struggle loving. Its not right for me not to love them and neither is it biblical.

Psalm 23:5-6 "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."

Spirit

Enfasis has been on the Holy Spirit lately in classes and lessons. So as a result I have been noticing the impact of the spirit more and more. It's been really exciting to experience. I have been convected of things that I haven't given up and I have been shown things in the Word that I should apply to be a better leader and to be closer to God. And here's the best part, after something revealed there was a lesson from one of my teachers or there was a sermon on what was revealed. I don't know if the Spirit was just showing me parts in the lesson I needed to hear but I took it in and loved being guided by the Spirit. The Spirits job is to reveal and to point to Jesus and the Father so because of that we tend to forget about the Spirit. It's important to remember His importance and to look at His impact in your life.

Ephesians 5:18-19 "And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart,"

More Singing

Well I'm in a bit of a worship with song kick this week I guess. But hay it's whats on my mind. Any way tonight I went to worship practice, not because i was on the schedule to be on the team but I go any way to sing along and just get that refresher. It's become a very important time of my week. I can just close my eyes and be with the Father and have true peace inside. Real comfort and satisfaction with Jesus. And as good old Forrest Gump would say "And that's all I got to say about that."