How Are you doing.... Mentally?

How are you...

-Mentally

When I was an Intern at Off the Wall Ministry we would have these meetings once a week where our leaders would ask my fellow interns and I, "How are you mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually?" They are great reflection questions that let you evaluate how you were doing, as well this small room of listeners then could look for ways to help support you where you needed it. I really haven't found any better questions that really just cut down to the truth of "How I'm doing." These questions take a level of trust and honesty that really should only be heard my those closest to you in committed community. But right now I just want to share an answer to the first part of these questions. 

How am I doing mentally? 

Right now mentally I am struggling. Im fighting to stay focused, every thought feels like its on the end of a rope that is constantly being pulled away. My mind feels cluttered and unnecessarily complicated. I wish I could maybe describe that last sentence better but thats what fits. This chasing after thoughts is making me mentally tired and I find myself cleaning out my mind. Before I know it I find myself just siting there with an empty mind. I don't like it, it feels lazy and unproductive. I think I may be mentally giving up. My mind fills with temptations and darkness. I desire to think as Philippians 4:8 instructs but I just feel clogged up by darkness, so I stop thinking because I think that is somehow better. Mentally I shamefully feel defeated today. 

Right now I need to stand firm and remember my Holy Inheritance. I need to be in prayer, for as I now see this mental state comes when I am not in regular prayer. I need to ask for a filling of the Spirit of God that grants self control. I have the freedom in Christ to break away from this darkness and I must live in that. I need to stop living as though I am alone and lean on my life partner, my wife.

Lord forgive me as I have fallen. Your Grace is an amazing mercy that grants me life. Oh how great is your Love that you pour it out on me, Lord make me Holy as you are Holy. God you are good, may I dwell in your presence and enjoy you. The blood of Jesus has paid the cost and He is glorified. Lord continue to shape me and form me for your Glory. May I live as the man you have purposed me to be. Lord your will be done.

Amen

God help me

My God why do I feel like you are distant from me?

Why do I imagine you as some far off being just floating out there?

Are you not here?

Am I ignoring you?

I believe I am.

I talk of you.

I study your teaching.

I pray to you.

But do I talk to you?

Are you ever present in my mind?

Why am I ignoring my Father?

Why do I not think of the one I have devoted my life to?

What am I doing?

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

I have let other things take your place.

Lord help me out of this pit.

Your Love everlasting is unwavering.

I am tired of serving.

I want to be served.

I'm tired

I'm tired of fighting this flesh.

I'm tired of loosing.

  The temptation is ever before me.

The lusts of this world are thrust in my face.

It seems good for a moment but I know its poison.

I know its destruction.

I fail.

I give in.

I feel it's rot.

I fall because I think I am strong.

I seek not the strength of the One who dwells in me.

I lean on my own understanding.

Lord deliver me.

Deliver me from my mind my twisted thoughts.

everything good is dependent on you.

Oh Lord the Great Provider.

Lord you are strong when I am weak.

You are the strength in weakness.

Great is the God who took my place.

Great is the God to paid the price for my sin.

Great is the God who could not even be bound by the sin of the world.

Mighty is my Father.

Mighty is my God.

Mighty is my friend.

Lord fill me.

Fill me with your Spirit.

Lord purify this wretched body.

Heal my ailments.

Drive out the darkness.

May I walk with my Father

May I fight the darkness with you.

Lord empower me for all the Good you have for me to do.

Tell me to stand firm.

Tell me to stand with the power that comes with being a son in your Kingdom.

I will sing your praise.

I will worship you.

I will shout to your Glory.

To you oh Lord be the Glory Honor and Praise forever.

Amen.

Worship with Song

I've discovered that singing worship is a key part of my relationship with Jesus. It's been hard for me lately because my personal library is a little short in worship music and I used to use spotify for all my worship music but spotify doesn't work here in Guatemala. My wife Ashley recently transferred her music to my iTunes which has been a blessing more than she knows. My wife's music is a little bit more holy than mine and now I'm thankful that together I have a better selection to chose from when I just want to love Jesus in a moment. It's moments like this that I realize why my biblical hero is David. He expressed his love for God in many songs and many other artistic ways. Sometimes I just need to sing my love for Jesus, it's the most emotional and authentic way I know how to approach my savior and Lord. My heart just cries out and I feel his overwhelming presence with me. It brings me to tears and brings me to my knees. No moment is more real to me than when I am with my God in song. In those moments I know my wretchedness, my need for my God, I somehow understand the power of the gospel in these moments. I grow sick of any desire of this world and I just become overwhelmed by the love that indwells me. When I worship, truly worship, in song I hear The Lord so clearly. I hear answers, commands, convictions. I hear all this and when it's all over I walk confidently with The Lord.

Back home in Ohio I was surrounded with friends that helped lead me to these places of worship so often and I never realized how important that was for me until now. Here in Guatemala worshiping in song has been difficult for me. Not really knowing the words I'm singing really makes that difficult. But once in I while I understand a song and get a taste of that wonderful thing that is worship singing again. I get excited and I fill with joy. I have some music now in my iTunes that helps me get to that place of worship and I need to sing with them more often. I need to take the much needed advice of a friend and "just do what makes me love Jesus more." All parts of my life benefit from it, so I just need to be more disciplined and do it. Now that all this has been revealed to me I need to grow and change my life accordingly. So let the music play.

The Lord Will Humble the Proud

In this last week the Lord has made allot clear to me. The Lord has revealed to me many areas where I fall short. He has shown me the pride, the fear, the stress, the frustrations, the burdens, so much that holds me back. He has shown me areas of my heart where I still think as a child, And he has shown me the meaningless passions of my mind. He has shown me that I have still so much to learn about even the basic parts of Himself. And so much to learn about serving others. A king once said, "Those who walk in pride He is able to humble."(Daniel 4:37) The Lord has shown me my self righteous worth (Romans 3:10). The Only worth I get is from the price paid for me at the cross. Jesus's blood, that is my worth. "I was bought with a price"(1st Corinth.6:20, 2nd Corinth.7:23). Every little bit of Christ that I have seen, I have only the knowledge because He revealed it to me. He revealed it through the mouths of His servants, through the truth in His word, and through his amazing creation. But still I only see because His Holy Spirit opened my eyes. I only know by the grace that the Lord has poured over me.

The Lord has blessed me with many things. I have a wonderful wife, great servants of the faith as teachers, loving friends, and a loving mother. I have more blessings than I even try to comprehend. I don't thank the Lord enough for what He has handed me.

So what do I do? I serve. The Lord said to his disciples in Mark 10 what to do with His power, He said to serve. "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant"(Mark10:43). We are told to be like Jesus, so I will serve (Mark10:45).  I going to fight this desire to make a name for myself and replace it with the greatness of my God. The one who brought me to life, the giver of authority, power, and Love. The only power I have comes from the Lord and with that power I will stand firm for His name and His glory. For His will be done, who am I to say "what have you done?"(Daniel 4:35) for He is a just God. I will serve the Lord, the only one worthy of praise. The Lord will humble the proud.

Love For The Lost & The Gospel

I have noticed this year that I just lacked a radical Love for the lost and the Gospel. I have been praying for some time about this, but to be honest, up til now did little more than that to confront it. I have sat with the excuse that right now my ministry is to the believers and helping in the instructing and teaching of fellow believers. As my direction more and more changes from OTW to missions in Guatemala this need to confront this issue became harder and harder to avoid. I'm realizing more and more how many opportunities are in front of me now to not just speak into Christians but to the lost. Now I do believe for a time my efforts were to be more greatly directed toward believers but that is no excuse for slacking in my Love toward the lost. I need to be prepared in and out of season, 2 Timothy 4.

Lately I have been looking at a lot of atheist debates and replies to Christian videos on Youtube. Just curious I guess, but it worked in me more than I intended. At first I was angry seeing all the comments of people just bashing believers, but then after seeing what "believers" were writing, this tension just broke my heart! Seeing arrogance battle arrogance in this stupor the internet calls a debate. I began watching some atheist supporting videos picking apart some Christian videos and I began to think that these people are unreachable... Today as I looked again my heart just began to break- who am I to limit God's reach?! They are not unreachable, that is not for me to decide. The mission, the COMMAND, to me is to be a witness of the Great and Holy Savior, Jesus Christ. I am to preach the gospel to all the nations, I am to Go! Mark 16:15, Mathew 28:19. Now my Love and Passion for the Gospel and the lost is in a renewing stage and is ever increasing.

As well from all this I learned another lesson. I need not prove God or really defend His existence! Now I have been told this many times but I still struggled with it until recently, as I have spent much time and thought on the subject. In this video below there is a small part where he says "Tying to prove God is like defending a lion, it don't need your help..." This quote was really the gateway that led me to confront my long avoided issues, and as well it cemented in me that I don't need to argue with the world. God is a Loin much greater than anything that stands and needs not our feeble attempts to defend. We simply should obey His commands.

The Power of God

Early this spring I went to Niagara Falls with my soon to be wife Ashley, and our good friends Tal and Natasha. It was a much needed trip to just enjoy friends and recharge. I think I needed this trip more that I could have thought at the moment. This trip reawakened something inside me that I really needed back..... adventure!

This all sparked from really one moment in the trip. We had just got done looking at the falls and we were walking upriver to cross to the other side. I looked over at a log sticking out of the rushing water and all I could do was think about siting on that log. I wanted to sit there with my legs in the water just feeling the water rushing over and around me with such beautiful force. I wanted to feel the terrifying power of the falls. Of course Ashley told me no so I stayed on shore haha. But it really made me realize something, I Love to me in the midst of Gods rushing power! Its a terrifying yet peaceful thing. I men lets be honest the power of God is terrifying when you think about it, a God who can stop your existence at any moment if He wills! A God who has risen and destroyed nations! The God who sets mighty storms, the God who can rain fire from the heavens, the great creator! But yet there is a peace, a peace of security. Knowing that I have a inheritance from this God given to me from Jesus. This God is on my side! He is my protector and my provider. His wrath is not pointed at me but at devil and his schemes. The feeling really overwhelms me and fills me with thankfulness, wonder, and Love for my God. I wonder if this is something I may share with my biblical hero David. For constantly he was in the midst of Gods mighty power. As I read his Psalms I see Gods might and power constantly mentioned. I know not all of Davids heard but maybe he shared this feeling I have. I dont know but what I do know is it brings me closer to God.

All of this It revealed to me that adventure shows me something about God that I just love to dwell in, His mighty power. As I look back it seems that its in my time of adventure that I saw this power most. Maybe its time for more adventures 

God sends

You ever heard the term "God send"? you know like when God sends you someone or a group of someones to do something that needed to be done, or to say something we needed to hear? Well we certainly had a group of God sends a few weeks ago!

God sent us a group of three great men and one lovely couple. Even how this group came to us is a miraculous work of God. We planned on the group of three guys coming but they stopped and picked up this couple who's car broke down. They stopped and talked to them figured out that they are working toward being missionaries overseas, so to make a story short they asked them if they would like to come along haha (this is in Caralinia by the way, we are in Ohio.) I would tell you more but that would be a whole other blog in itself! Anyway back to the God send part, this group was exactly what we needed right when we needed it. Our group was in this state of weariness and discouragement and was struggling to find joy. this group came in busting through our door and full of the spirit of God. They were just spitting truth from scripture, screaming and yelling, laughing, crying, hugging, singing, just being a uplifting force of encouragement. It was amazing to this this gift from The Lord before my eyes. The group stayed for a few days and it was nothing but a blessing filled with testimony and lovingly spurring one another on in godliness.

I'm just thankful for that group and how they allowed themselves to be used by God to encourage us. Thank you Lord for the gathering of your brothers and sisters for encouragement and your glory.

Humbleness

This year has been a real punch to any selfish pride I have. Its just a constant reminder that I have nothing to boast for, and that the only one worthy of boasting is Jesus. So lately my prayer has been that I only boast in Jesus and His glory. All of me is worthless without Christ and I owe my Life to Him. I long for the day when I am fully Glorified and Sanctified so that all I do brings Glory to the Father and Jesus Christ. For now I'll just have to strive for it.

Psalm 34:2-"My soul makes its boast in the Lord;

let the humble hear and be glad."

Isaiah 10:15-"Shall the axe boast over him who hews with it,

or the saw magnify itself against him who wields it?

As if a rod should wield him who lifts it,

or as if a staff should lift him who is not wood!"

1 Corinthians 1:31, 3:21, 4:7, 13:4- 

"so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” 

"So let no one boast in men. For all things are yours,"

"For who sees anything different in you? What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?"

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant"

2 Corinthians 10:17, 11:30-

“Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness."

Galatians 6:14- "But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." 

Just Laugh

Ok you know what just take a moment and watch this and laugh today ok!  Don't take yourself so seriously and laugh.... enjoy

 

Psalm 47:1

Clap your hands, all peoples!

Shout to God with loud songs of joy!

Teaching

Mark Driscoll

Francis Chan

I just love these two speakers! Every time I hear them I just get excited because I have found these guys to both be full of truth and love, two things that can only come from having a open heart to God and allowing the Spirit to show them great things. These are bold radical men of faith, I seek to be as useful to God as these men. Now what I wanted to share with you is my observations on the different styles these men present Gods words and instruction. They Give the same message and have the same Love(Love from God) but they show different attributes of God in their speaking.

Mark Driscoll is umm how do i put this best.... BOLD! Mark will speak truth and really wont soften it very much, he puts it all out on the table. He tells you "If you don't know Jesus as your savior your going to Hell!" witch is truth, a truth the bible is clear on, but he also tells you the truth of how to be saved and he tells you why "... I tell you because I Love you and I cant have your blood on my hands." Mark is very abrasive (abrasive defined as something capable of polishing or cleaning a hard surface by rubbing or grinding.) but he wants you to understand the seriousness of the situation, its peoples eternity at stake. Now although his words hit you like a punch to the face you find yourself wanting more, why is that? Because there is Love in his words and tone, and throughout his sermons you will continually hear him say "I love you!" because he does and you feel it! He loves you and he loves you because of Jesus Christ and His Love for us. Mark preaches like God speaks in Job 38, read it and you'll understand.

Now Francis Chan speaks with what I call a "verbal hug." He can speak the hardest truths because how he presents it with such compassion. He speaks with extreme softness but never compromises on truth. Francis makes it just as serious as Mark but with a tenderness and sympathy that grips you emotions. Francis Chan speaks to you emotions and the tenderness of your heart. While Mark speaks to more the rational mind. Francis speaks with his hands and with a strain in his voice almost sounding like he's pleading for you to understand. You feel his love from his tenderness, while Mark shows it with his seriousness. He speaks like i feel Jesus spoke to the women at the well (John 4) I encourage you to read that and see what I mean as well. Francis shows the tenderness of God while Mark shows the seriousness. Both showing the same Love but in different ways.  I feel like I could go on and on but I would just encourage you to watch the videos and see for yourself.

Hebrews 13:7 "Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith."

yup

"But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless." Titus 3:9

"Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness." Titus 2:2

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes,

but a wise man listens to advice." Proverbs 12:15

"For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. Declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you." Titus 2:11-15

"Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus with eternal glory." 2 Timothy 2:10

"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7

"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses." 1 Timothy 6:12

"But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness." 1 Timothy 6:11

"For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus,"  1Timothy 2:5

 "To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen." 1 Timothy 1:17

" I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service," 1 Timothy 1:12

 "The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith." 1 Timothy 1:5

"As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry." 2 Timothy 4:5

These are the scriptures that have really impacted my thoughts in the past two weeks or so. The Lord and His word have been my encouragement, convection, challenge, and just my stronghold. The past couple of weeks have been interesting with little life hiccups but I have had peace after moments of freaking out and I am just trusting the Lord. I Love Him and I'm learning to trust Him more and to trust Him faster. I am remembering His promises and doing my best to not listen to this flesh and this world, even tho sometimes the darkness slips in the Lord has brought me to a point where the darkness does not dwell long. I'm thanking the Lord more and trusting Him, I challenge you to do the same. See what the Lord has in store for you 

Humbling Myself

Something I have realized in the past few months was how much I still have to learn. It's nice really, I know that sounds funny but it's nice. I don't feel like I need to know the answer, I need to learn. I'm realizing the weight and the responsibility of discipleship and its showing me how young I am and how much i have to learn. I'm young and although my life has given me wisdom beyond m age there is still much wisdom to be gained. I see that I hold myself to the standard of perfection allot and it makes it hard to be okay with failure. Failure is a important part of learning and most of the time necessary for growth. This comforts my heart and reminds me that I'm young. As much as I look forward to the later days of my ministry when I can take all that I have been given and greatly impact for the kingdom making disciples and ministering like my disciplers but I see that I have much experience to gain and I am content in learning. David didnt take his kingdom right away he has to learn and be built up in his faith. So like my biblical hero I will learn and embrace the building of my faith, and hopefully one day be a great impact for the kingdom, and a valuable man in the eyes of the Lord.

    

just a small poem

I open this door and walk through

I look and the door is closed

I reach out and try to open it again 

I twist and push but its locked

I cant go back?

Then I had a peaceful thought

Why do I need to go back?

This path is the way I need to go

Why do I need to back?

This is the way I have chosen 

This is the way I have been taken

This is the way I need

This is the way this is the life

I need not go back 

Confirmation

So for a while now I have been praying about the direction Ashley and I were going to take in living our lives together for Christ. What I mean is what were we going to do? were we going to stay in the states with Off the Wall making disciples, or were we goin to Guatemala and the Liga de Vida Nueva (New Life children's home) to disciple the children there... both options were glorifying to God, both are lead by the command of Jesus to go forth and make disciples(The Great Commission Mathew 28:16-20) and both options are good (really there are three options because God could take us anywhere He wants and that could be neither of these options but that's a whole other topic of discernment.) As I was seeking an answer in this decision I was making sure that I wasn't choosing an option because it was the easiest or simply what I or Ashley wanted to do. I didn't want to stay here simply because I was comfortable here and I didn't want to go to Guatemala simply because that's what she planned on before we got together, (I didn't want to go there to just make her happy, because then my heart wouldn't be in it) to go to Guatemala Jesus would have to break my heart for those kids because although I have a passion for kids and missions I didn't break for these kids and I had an attachment here in the US. . We are becoming one so everything changes now, our previous commitments change, and our previous plans that we may have had for our lives change. We needed to find out now how we are going to best serve God together. We needed to find out how to have a united ministry. Through prayer and much Godly counsel and discussion it came down to these options; serving God here in the US making disciples, or going to Guatemala and serving the children's home and disciplining the children and people there.

So this past week I attended "Mosaic" a young adult bible group where we come together to read the Word and be challenged. That night I was asked to help lead worship, Josh was playing the guitar and I was playing the cajon. So things started off normal we sang and worshiped and then Don came up to lead the discussion/message. The topic for the night was Discipleship, after showing a video Don got up and prayed to start things off. After he started with a question like "do you ever feel like all you hear is the pain of this world?" then something took him and he began to break down and cry, as I sat I began to cry with him. He collected himself and prayed a few more times, then asked what are we doing about it? Are we disciples? Do we act like it? he began to cry again. As I began to cry again all I could see was a child standing before me. The child and I were standing in the dirt and the child was looking up at me and smiling. I bent down to the child and put my hands on his shoulders looked into his little eyes and said "I want to help make you more like Christ, I Love you." And I had children around me and I wanted to disciple them. My heart broke for these kids and somehow I knew that this represented the children in Guatemala. My heart was broken for these kids that I have only heard about and I wanted to help them, I wanted to invest in their lives and teach them how to be godly. Don collected himself finished his lesson with the Great Commission. Josh and I went up to finish up the night with a song and we sang "With Everything" and my heart just continued to break. By then end of the song all I could do was sit on my drum with my head in my arms crying, weeping for these children. I was filled with a Love and a desire for these kids, I knew now that this was the confirmation I had been praying for. The Lord did exactly what He needed to do to send me on this path, He broke my heart for the children that I will be going to disciple, He broke my heart specifically for them.

So now starts the final preparation of raising support and preparing to go to Guatemala with the Love of my life to do the work of discipleship in the lives of the children in Liga de Vida Nueva (New Life children's home). This is going to be hard but I trust the Lord to lead me in the right direction and I trust Him to take Ashley and I through any challenge before us. I know this is crazy but here we go, we are going to Guatemala for a minimum of 2 years while facing the challenge of a newly wed life! But we Love Jesus and we Love each other so I think we will make it standing bright and strong for the Lord. I believe the Lord is taking us in this direction and I intend to obey. 

Mathew 28:19-20-- "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Where would I be without the Gospel?

Where would you be without the Gospel? It was a question asked in our young adults bible study. Its a question I have asked myself before, a question that brings me to one of my fears. My fear of being who I believe myself would be without Christ. I think this is a important question that brings to light the importance of the gospel in our lives.

I know that for some people its hard to imagine what they would be like because they were saved at a young age. But I was saved at a young age and i believe I have a pretty good idea who and what I would be.. I have battled it throughout my life.. the choice to pursue the life that I know I would accomplish... A life lead by myself and not the King I serve now... Making myself king... Ever sense I was a little kid I have had a sense of leadership, and others always fallowed. I never had that struggle in my life of not realizing that I was a leader and not liking people fallowing or depending on me. I accepted and embraced it. I wanted to lead others into something great, this was my dream. This dream was not exactly something I just decided I wanted to do but something I thought I was called to, something I was meant to do. As I grew older I began my debate on weather or not I was going to be a leader that lead from within the law or if was going to be a leader of the underground and not be bound by the laws of our society and culture.

So started my struggle with how to still be good but be underground. I was going to be a leader of my own clan. I am a very medieval and mafia style man and I believed in a hierarchy system and I was going to create and lead one. It would have started with my closest friends and I would have built up an earthly thrown. I would have been involved in all kinds of underground, I would have stolen from the rich, I would have taken in the poor, I would have began an empire. I would have stolen, destroyed, and killed. Whatever was necessary for the ones who fallowed me to be safe and strong. I would have defended and fought for this. And probably eventually moved into another country where I could reach more people.  I would build an earthly throne and I would not be a man to oppose. Sure I probably still would have been a good person, stood for what I thought was right, I would keep the peace and bring forth what I saw as justice, but really it would all be empty. All this that I would build, the people I would help, the things I would accomplish would all crumble.... It would all be in my name.. Worthless... Yeah I may not know if any of this would actoully happen, I mean weather or not I believed Gods will still would stand in my life but I do know that would be my goal and purpose. I would bring select people together to protect and provide for a kingdom that I would raise.

But now I see the eternal, I see Jesus and His Love for me and what he has done for me. He died on the cross for me so that I could be with Him in eternity! So that I could be redeemed, adopted, raised up from the dead, glorified, and placed as part of the bride that is the church. I can do things for the Lord that will echo into eternity. I can serve a King greater than I. I can find true Justice in the Lord. I can be a stronger force with the Lord than if i had an army of thousands. I am now part of something bigger than my lifetime and bigger than this world even. Now I can go out with instruction and guidance from the one who is greater than I, and do things that will effect eternity and give people what they really need. Not just solve their temporary problem but show them a great King and provider. I can show them the reason I can do truly good things without selfish motive or gain. God is Good all the time. And I thank Him for His Gospel and His work in my life.

Mathew 6:19-21 "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

The Honeymoon Stage?!?!?

People say that me and Ashley are still in our honeymoon stage. They say that this will pass and more challenging things will come. The say the excitement will calm down, and we will fight. They say we are just on a high and we will come down sooner or later. Its not going to be this lovey forever. You wont talk like that to each other like that after your honeymoon stage ends. Bla Bla Bla

This is where I ask the question why? Why does it have to only be a honeymoon stage? Why cant we be like this throughout our relationship? Yeah things get hard and we argue and fight but why does that mean that our Love has become different in its ferocity? If anything it should increase, because through these conflicts through these hard times we strengthen our Love and our understanding of God and each other. Who’s to say that I wont romance her all the days of our life? Yeah is that allot of work and does that mean I go out of my way allot of times to do so? Yes, yes it does and I want to, because every time I see that beautiful face blush and smile its all worth it. I want our relationship to be different than the normal, why cant I strive for something more? I want to make her feel wonderful with almost every breath I breathe. Does that mean I don’t bring up hard issues? No of course not, that wouldn’t be loving her. I’m not saying avoid the hard stuff or the stuff that isn’t exactly “enjoyable” I’m saying that why does the extreme passion and excitement have to leave for that to happen? Yes it becomes more serious but I still have a overwhelming love, a desire for her. I want what’s best for her and if that’s correction that’s what I do and I do it in a way that is biblical and caring. Am I saying we will never be mad at each other? No! that would be ridiculous and fake! But I want to work and fight for our love and who says that cant be exciting and passionate!?!?

I strive for a different relationship than I see in allot of couples. I’m not saying that the way I see other relationships is wrong and I’m not saying “YOUR RELATIONSHIP SUCKS!” No I’m saying I want our relationship to be different. I don’t want to reach that point where our Love has become “normal” that I hear some couples talk about. Why does it seem so impossible to have the Love that I’m striving for? Why is it always only seen as something that can not be grasped in reality? I want to inspire other couples to a new level in their relationship, to strive to be in a constant romance.

 Yeah you can probably put me in the hopeless romantic box but I refuse to believe that its hopeless and nothing but a fairy tail. I strive for a love similar to the story of “The Notebook” (I know calm down and listen to the rest) those two loved each other and didn’t limit themselves by saying there is a level of Love that cant be reached. It's a real story with real people, if unbelievers can reach a Love like that then why can a God centered one be?!?! I want my marriage to represent Christ and the love and passion that He puts forth, a limitless Love and Passion. We never come to a limit when it comes to falling in Love with Christ! If my marriage and relationship with my Love, my wife, is supposed to represent the love of Christ for the church then it shouldn’t be limited or become “normal.” It should be full of discovery of new levels of Love and full of passion, every day my Love for Ashley grows into a level of Love that I never knew before and that’s how my relationship with Christ is or should be as well, although some days I admit I suck but if I see this in my relationship with Ashley it makes me strive for that in my relationship with Jesus it points me to God and I Love that! I want my Love for Christ and my Love for my wife to run in parallel growth! As my Love for Christ grows I have more Love to give to my wife! Its so amazing how my relationship with Ashley has grown my relationship with the Lord because of the comparisons. To know the indescribable Love that is overflowing in the dams of my heart for Ashley is nothing but a glimpse of how much the Father loves us?!?! It’s brought a whole new understanding to me about the Love of our God. I never want that to stop, I never want to stop seeing something about Christ in my relationship with Ashley. Realizing that our relationship revealed that makes me fall even more in Love with Ashley. I want our relationship our marriage to constantly have this back and forth with our relationship with Christ, both benefiting each other and giving more for each other. It’s the key to making this Loving relationship that I strive for work. If Christ isn’t the driving force behind it I know it will fail. For any of the Love that I have the privilege of pouring out on Ashley comes from Him first.  And Its always to show me to show us more of Him and who He is, its all for His glory weather its through the Love that he aluminates through my Love relationship with Ashley or if It’s through a verse that shows me how to better Love her. My Love for Christ shows me how to better Love Ashley and My Love for Ashley shows me how to Better Love my Savior Father God and King. That’s how I plan on living this out…. Lets see how this love story goes 

Little Things That Make The Whole Summer Worth It

At the end of this middle school Wilderness week at camp one of my campers wrote me this thank you letter,

"Dear Shaun,

Thank you!! Thank you for all of the sacrifice of your time to keep me in check by telling me to shut up when I'm running my big mouth, to stop having attitude, and for not slapping us like you could have many times. Thanks for talking to me about my life and my problems , and also for praying for me. This week you taught me so much about God and His message. You inspired me to put aside my differences and my "False Idols" and read my bible and pray. That Thursday night when you took your night to stay outside and pray and talk to God. That made me feel so good. Because that inspired me so much! I definitely think that you have done what is carved on your bracelet that you got from your girl. (Ashley... Wait you already knew that's her name shes your girl. so yeah!) I am so glad that you could be here with all of us this summer. You are awesome. And even though we stress you out sometimes you still pull through for us and you are still awesome. I hope that you have a great time touring the country with Off the Wall and have a great time in life just in case I never see you again. Thank you again for the bracelet it means allot to me! And one last thing keep being awesome, kind, cool, thoughtful, cheerful, thrifty, brave, and many many MANY more things, keep being the christian you are!"

My camper handed this to me on Saturday morning after I woke everyone up to start our last morning together. It really toughed my heart and I was amazed my the words of this twelve year old child. I Love all the kids I get during the summer and the little things like this, the moments where they see more of Christ and change their lives, make it worth it. My ministry this summer at the camp has been an amazing summer where the Spirit worked mighty things in the hearts of many every week. My bracelet says "Inspire" and I have told many that that is my job, my job is to inspire others to Jesus. It feels so great to get this thank you letter and be reassured of my work this summer.  Praise the Lord and to Him be all the Glory.
   

Life Guard

Sorry I have not had time to gather everything from my weeks at camp yet, now I am on week 3 and the Lord is being shown to many. I will try and get more out but here is a taste of the start of my journey.

Life Guard training, a experience that I truthfully have feared for the past 4 years sense I started working at camp. You see I have always herd all the stories about how hard and intense it was this made me want to take it and prove I could do it! This was a fear that I wanted to conquer, this is the story of my Life Guard Training.

I guess I will just have to start at the beginning, that would be life guard training! Life guard training is the first time us counselors as a staff meet and bond together before the rest of the staff get here. We all go through life guard training together get pushed physically and really get to know each other. Meeting everyone went great we all seemed to get along well right from the start. It was a strange network of friendship, almost everyone had a friend working here with them, and somehow all of us friends were friends with each other in some way or another, very hard to explain haha. Life guard training was going to be fun and great phyical challenge and I wanted to conquer the small fear I had of failing..(I’m like 2% body fat.. AKA I dont float!)After little instruction the first thing we did after we got there was swim 300 meters! Not going to lie this made me realize that all that running I did a few months back had defiantly did nothing to prepare me! I was dead tired and the next test was right after.. So as we moved to the brick test with my chest pounding and lungs gasping for air I knew this was going to be hard. For the brick test there is a blue brick at the bottom of a twelve foot deep pool, first you have to swim to the other side of the pool then back to where the brick is, dive down get the brick, swim back to the other side then back to the side you started on! Everyone who went before me either failed or barely lifted themselves out of the pool.. I really wanted this and seeing that its challenging really gets me going, makes me want to conquer it! So when my turn came around my blood was pumping and I was ready! I jumped into the pool and started swimming, I swam down to the other side and was soon treading water over the brick. I took as deep of a breath as I could and went down……… I only got down about nine feet before I ran out of air. After rushing to the surface I tried to catch my breath. I tried and tried but couldn’t get more than a small gulp of air. My chest was wrenching and was pounding with pain. My heart was racing and i slowly realized that there was no way I could finish the test.. I was angry that my body was quitting on me, I was angry but I wasn’t about to let this test take me from this pool so I got enough air to say I’m getting out and started to try and swim to the ladder. When I got out of the pool I began explaining my heart condition. You see a few years back I had a similar problem in football, My chest gets tight I have trouble breathing and there is more pain than I have ever experienced. From what I have been told My heart starts beating so fast that I should be having a heart attack and a pouch around my heart inflates creating pressure in my heart and lungs. They asked me if I wanted emergency care and i said no, you see I don’t have health insurance and I don’t make enough money to really pay any medical bill. They gave me oxygen and soon told me they called emergency care any way.. Soon both me and the instructors agreed that I should be in another room so I don’t worry the others and scare them away fro the test. on my way I became very nauseous and grabbed a trash can and yup you guessed it puked up breakfast… At this time the paramedics have arrived and I’m sitting next to the trash can on a bench. As I was being asked questions my new friend Lincoln came over i asked “how you doing man?” he responded with and “all good” then proceeded to puke into the trash can as well lol it was quite a funny moment I thought. Now as I’m strapped to the gurney it really begins to sink in that I’m not going to be able to concur this fear of failing… I began to try my hardest to hold back tears and I felt the feeling of failure sinking in. After my short ride in the ambulance I sit in a room in the ER alone wires and stickers suck on all over my body. I just sat still disappointed, angry, and sad. Tears began to roll down my face as I sat wet still in my swim suit in this hospitable reminding me of this terrible restriction called my body. I began to long for my glorified body and Became disgusted with the sin filled limited body I had now. Soon a doctor came in and asked me some questions, I told him the same thing I told the others earlier. he said we were going to take some x-rays and after he finds my records we will see from there. I soon again sat alone watching doctors and nurses running back and forth past my room.

After a small while my good friend and boss Jim came in, one of the nurses earlier told me that he was on his way, that comforted me a little. Jim began to make funny statements like “they going to give you a monkey heart?” witch made me laugh and calm down a bit. The he asked me how I was feeling and I kind of broke down. “I hate it that it’s not me quitting! It’s my body I literally cant do this and I hate that!” “I hate that I can’t just go back and try again!” I’m so thankful for Jim in my life for he at this moment began to speak truth to me. He began to tell me to stop getting mad over this and figure out what to do next. After our little talk he went out and called my mother and my sister for me to let them know I was in the hospitable and then came back in to be with me. After a bit a financial adviser came in to talk with me. You see I don have health insurance and soon Jim and I were informed that workmens comp was not going to cover any of this sense this seems to be a pre-existing condition. So now to add to the mix I have been reminded of the medical bill that will be soon on its way. God provides and I’ll let Him take care of how I will pay for this so this was out of my mind soon.

My mother and my sister arrived and Jim said he was going to check on the rest of the staff sense they were now having lunch, so he left me in the care of my family and the hospital. My mom said that she was sorry that I have to go through this pain again. She knows how much it hurt me mentally and spiritually last time. But by now I was back rejecting reality. I was cracking jokes and my mother proclaimed that only would I almost die then be joking around smiling and simply wanting to get out of the hospital soon after I arrived. The doctor came in and did exactly as I expected and told me nothing new, advised me to check up with a doctor and see specialist just like the other doctors said the last times. I already decided that I wasn’t going to the doctor because I didn’t want to wast any more time just to be told they found nothing new. I wanted to continue with life and not sit idle run up a bill and possibly be told there is nothing they can do for me. So I checked out and Walked out of the ER still shirtless in my swim suit, medical stickers sill stuck all over my body, still slightly wet from the pool.

I got dropped off back at Life Guard Training and met back up with the staff. They were still having lunch when I arrived, I hugged my mom goodbye and joined my staff. Everyone was like “He’s alive!!” haha I told everyone I would live. I still had the stickers stuck on because they stick on very hard and they feel like pealing off duck tape, so soon began the game of “Lets see if we can make Shaun feel pain!” all the male staff grabbed a sticker and counted down to pull fast and quick. A great roar from me fallowed my laughter by everyone and myself. It was a great way to be welcomed back. Lunch was over and we began our walk back to the pool and back to training. This walk through these halls was a interesting feeling of slight shame for I knew that when I walked back into class I was walking in as someone finishing the course and only becoming certified in CPR and First AID, not being able to pass the whole class.
The rest of my days went I passed CPR and First  AID with flying colors and the rest of the class passed as well. Allot happened in this one day and I’m still dissecting and processing it fully. but what I do know is the truth, the truth that God uses everything for His good, my good times and the times where I fail. He will use it and He has His reasons for limiting me here and now. I still struggle with finding peace in this specific spot of my life but I just remind myself that this life is not mine. I have given it to the Lord and His will and sometimes I will not understand it but thats okay I have faith that my Father is good.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven”

Roller Coaster

Well sense coming back to Michigan things have been quite the roller coaster. Really every day has had extreme highs and some pretty low lows.

Reading my Bible every day became a difficult task but luckily I had some projects set up for myself that involved studying some scripture so that helped me stay on track. Some unexpected drama has entered into my life that I didn't expect but I have some good biblical and wise mentors around to help me through. Really speaking truth and giving advice that only wisdom and experience can give. I am grateful for them.

It hasn't been all bad like I said some extreme highs are in there. First of all is my relationship with this wonderful and beautiful woman Ashley. Ashly really brings a happiness to my heart and soul that really is impossible to express with simply words. I wish I could but really all of you dont really want to hear all that mushy stuff so I'll spare you (be thankful). Ashley has me pushing myself in the word more and more because I know that to lead her correctly I need to know Jesus and His Word. I see so much Love for Jesus in her that it inspires me to keep on the good fight.

Another happy note is I have been reunited with my great friend Sir Ty Dups. He makes me laugh so much and makes every day an adventure. We have serious Jesus talks and really ask each other hard questions about life and God. I really Love this guy.

Working early at the camp has been great for me also. Puts me back in a biblical environment and I get to do work with my hands, witch always makes me happy. There is nothing like reaching the end of you day and sitting down completely exhausted and know that you did good work. And the best part is it's not just a job, this place has a heavenly impact and I'm so glad to help improve, repair, and prepare this place. My hands get all swollen and my body aches but I did my work for the Lord and there is nothing more satisfying. Literally feeling and knowing that I gave it my all. I'm excited for the summer camps to start and really do what I came here for, I came to pore into every kid and inspire and lead them to the Father, to Jesus, and to the Word. It's a big responsibility but I think I have been prepared, I have been given my lion and my bear (refrence to the lion and bear that David slain before he faced Goliath) 

Lastly was this last night when I got to see most of my Off the Wall family! They called and said they were going to be in Michigan for a seize the summer show and wondered if I could make it. Well like I was going to pass up seeing my close biblical family? No! So I went and it was great to see everyone :] It lifted my heart to see them again it feels way to long sense I left. But I will be returning after the summer so I have that to look foreword to :]  Don gave a charge that night from the stage to everyone he had pored into over the years. I really needed to hear the charge to keep my head up and continue the good fight and contend for the faith. I Love Don.

Jude 1:3 "Beloved, although I was very eager to write to you about our common salvation, I found it necessary to write appealing to you to contend for the faith that was once for all delivered to the saints" 

2nd Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

The Relationhip Status

   So yeah two days before I left Ohio I decided to get into a relationship.... PFFTT YEAH AND TOTALLY WORTH IT! ASHLEY IS AWESOME!! Yeah shes like approximately 350 miles away, and about to be approximately 1,647 miles away, and yeah shes goin to Guatemala for 3 years starting in January to work at a children's home and love little Guatemalan orphans. But she Loves Jesus and she is totally worth the pain of being apart. I would rather call her mine and be separated by mere distance than to regret not asking this amazing woman, to be a special part of my life and my walk with God.

   Allot of things I read today pointed me to think about us and our journey to our relationship as well as our now started relationship. One was a quote I read on tumbler it read "When we first met, I had no idea you would be so important to me." That is a great way to describe my feeling about when we first met. To be honest I thought she was cute but I didn't go to Off the Wall to find a woman so really the thought that she would be more than a girl at Off the Wall never really set in my mind. I mean heck the first time we really met she was at the guys house knitting with Jill while we watched a movie. I had no clue that as the months passed that she would become more and more important to me.

   The next thing that pointing me to think about our relationship was the new book I'm reading that my pastor gave me, its called "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung. Its about finding God's will, or more about doing something instead of using the excuse of "waiting for God's will to be revealed" to not do anything. Any way this is the quote I want to talk about "We should start looking to God- His character and His promises- and thereby have confidence to take risks for His name's sake." When I thought of going for Ashley I was so afraid of it not being "God's will" and me messing up both our lives. This consumed me in fear and made my life increasingly stressful.. I wasn't reminding myself of the truth and promise that He works all things out for His good will (Romans 8:28). God doesn't tell us every step to take,  I like what Ashly told me tonight while we talked about this book a bit "..was a step of faith for me.. not knowing how things will look or come to be but trusting that God can make it work and happen." Sometimes its a step of faith.

   And I wasn't taking God's character into consideration, God would not make our lives miserable because we decided to be together He wants us to find Love and I find nowhere in the bible where He tore two people away from each other forcefully ending their relationship for a reason as "not being His will" If its not His will it wont happen! And if He so will's it He can end it, but that fear should not be the reason for not acting. I went through quite allot in my pursuit of Ashley but in that pursuit it put me in a place where I learned so much about God's will and character. And as we continue together it is a continual lesson that I am learning more and more about. To be honest a relationship with a beautiful woman that pushes you in your relationship with Jesus and your knowledge of the word and God's character, What else can you ask for?!?! I have never felt a push to have a better relationship with the father than when our relationship started, I need to have a good relationship with Jesus before I can lead this relationship with Ashley. I'm so thankful that she is not a distraction from God but a push to be more like Jesus. I thank Jesus for leading me to such a woman :)

   So yeah this is and extremely long distance relationship and it's going to be hard and full of heart ache and troubles I'm sure, but we know that communication will be a very important part in our relationship and that God is bigger than these miles between us. We know this relationship seems crazy to believers and non-believers alike but we are often described as crazy anyway so thats no big deal. I could go on and on but I know most of you don't want to read all that sappy junk :] so Ill end with this, I'm really happy and proud to call Ashley my girlfriend and I'm looking forward to our future.  

Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."