How Are you doing.... Mentally?

How are you...

-Mentally

When I was an Intern at Off the Wall Ministry we would have these meetings once a week where our leaders would ask my fellow interns and I, "How are you mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually?" They are great reflection questions that let you evaluate how you were doing, as well this small room of listeners then could look for ways to help support you where you needed it. I really haven't found any better questions that really just cut down to the truth of "How I'm doing." These questions take a level of trust and honesty that really should only be heard my those closest to you in committed community. But right now I just want to share an answer to the first part of these questions. 

How am I doing mentally? 

Right now mentally I am struggling. Im fighting to stay focused, every thought feels like its on the end of a rope that is constantly being pulled away. My mind feels cluttered and unnecessarily complicated. I wish I could maybe describe that last sentence better but thats what fits. This chasing after thoughts is making me mentally tired and I find myself cleaning out my mind. Before I know it I find myself just siting there with an empty mind. I don't like it, it feels lazy and unproductive. I think I may be mentally giving up. My mind fills with temptations and darkness. I desire to think as Philippians 4:8 instructs but I just feel clogged up by darkness, so I stop thinking because I think that is somehow better. Mentally I shamefully feel defeated today. 

Right now I need to stand firm and remember my Holy Inheritance. I need to be in prayer, for as I now see this mental state comes when I am not in regular prayer. I need to ask for a filling of the Spirit of God that grants self control. I have the freedom in Christ to break away from this darkness and I must live in that. I need to stop living as though I am alone and lean on my life partner, my wife.

Lord forgive me as I have fallen. Your Grace is an amazing mercy that grants me life. Oh how great is your Love that you pour it out on me, Lord make me Holy as you are Holy. God you are good, may I dwell in your presence and enjoy you. The blood of Jesus has paid the cost and He is glorified. Lord continue to shape me and form me for your Glory. May I live as the man you have purposed me to be. Lord your will be done.

Amen

God help me

My God why do I feel like you are distant from me?

Why do I imagine you as some far off being just floating out there?

Are you not here?

Am I ignoring you?

I believe I am.

I talk of you.

I study your teaching.

I pray to you.

But do I talk to you?

Are you ever present in my mind?

Why am I ignoring my Father?

Why do I not think of the one I have devoted my life to?

What am I doing?

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

I have let other things take your place.

Lord help me out of this pit.

Your Love everlasting is unwavering.

I am tired of serving.

I want to be served.

I'm tired

I'm tired of fighting this flesh.

I'm tired of loosing.

  The temptation is ever before me.

The lusts of this world are thrust in my face.

It seems good for a moment but I know its poison.

I know its destruction.

I fail.

I give in.

I feel it's rot.

I fall because I think I am strong.

I seek not the strength of the One who dwells in me.

I lean on my own understanding.

Lord deliver me.

Deliver me from my mind my twisted thoughts.

everything good is dependent on you.

Oh Lord the Great Provider.

Lord you are strong when I am weak.

You are the strength in weakness.

Great is the God who took my place.

Great is the God to paid the price for my sin.

Great is the God who could not even be bound by the sin of the world.

Mighty is my Father.

Mighty is my God.

Mighty is my friend.

Lord fill me.

Fill me with your Spirit.

Lord purify this wretched body.

Heal my ailments.

Drive out the darkness.

May I walk with my Father

May I fight the darkness with you.

Lord empower me for all the Good you have for me to do.

Tell me to stand firm.

Tell me to stand with the power that comes with being a son in your Kingdom.

I will sing your praise.

I will worship you.

I will shout to your Glory.

To you oh Lord be the Glory Honor and Praise forever.

Amen.

Worship with Song

I've discovered that singing worship is a key part of my relationship with Jesus. It's been hard for me lately because my personal library is a little short in worship music and I used to use spotify for all my worship music but spotify doesn't work here in Guatemala. My wife Ashley recently transferred her music to my iTunes which has been a blessing more than she knows. My wife's music is a little bit more holy than mine and now I'm thankful that together I have a better selection to chose from when I just want to love Jesus in a moment. It's moments like this that I realize why my biblical hero is David. He expressed his love for God in many songs and many other artistic ways. Sometimes I just need to sing my love for Jesus, it's the most emotional and authentic way I know how to approach my savior and Lord. My heart just cries out and I feel his overwhelming presence with me. It brings me to tears and brings me to my knees. No moment is more real to me than when I am with my God in song. In those moments I know my wretchedness, my need for my God, I somehow understand the power of the gospel in these moments. I grow sick of any desire of this world and I just become overwhelmed by the love that indwells me. When I worship, truly worship, in song I hear The Lord so clearly. I hear answers, commands, convictions. I hear all this and when it's all over I walk confidently with The Lord.

Back home in Ohio I was surrounded with friends that helped lead me to these places of worship so often and I never realized how important that was for me until now. Here in Guatemala worshiping in song has been difficult for me. Not really knowing the words I'm singing really makes that difficult. But once in I while I understand a song and get a taste of that wonderful thing that is worship singing again. I get excited and I fill with joy. I have some music now in my iTunes that helps me get to that place of worship and I need to sing with them more often. I need to take the much needed advice of a friend and "just do what makes me love Jesus more." All parts of my life benefit from it, so I just need to be more disciplined and do it. Now that all this has been revealed to me I need to grow and change my life accordingly. So let the music play.

The Lord Will Humble the Proud

In this last week the Lord has made allot clear to me. The Lord has revealed to me many areas where I fall short. He has shown me the pride, the fear, the stress, the frustrations, the burdens, so much that holds me back. He has shown me areas of my heart where I still think as a child, And he has shown me the meaningless passions of my mind. He has shown me that I have still so much to learn about even the basic parts of Himself. And so much to learn about serving others. A king once said, "Those who walk in pride He is able to humble."(Daniel 4:37) The Lord has shown me my self righteous worth (Romans 3:10). The Only worth I get is from the price paid for me at the cross. Jesus's blood, that is my worth. "I was bought with a price"(1st Corinth.6:20, 2nd Corinth.7:23). Every little bit of Christ that I have seen, I have only the knowledge because He revealed it to me. He revealed it through the mouths of His servants, through the truth in His word, and through his amazing creation. But still I only see because His Holy Spirit opened my eyes. I only know by the grace that the Lord has poured over me.

The Lord has blessed me with many things. I have a wonderful wife, great servants of the faith as teachers, loving friends, and a loving mother. I have more blessings than I even try to comprehend. I don't thank the Lord enough for what He has handed me.

So what do I do? I serve. The Lord said to his disciples in Mark 10 what to do with His power, He said to serve. "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant"(Mark10:43). We are told to be like Jesus, so I will serve (Mark10:45).  I going to fight this desire to make a name for myself and replace it with the greatness of my God. The one who brought me to life, the giver of authority, power, and Love. The only power I have comes from the Lord and with that power I will stand firm for His name and His glory. For His will be done, who am I to say "what have you done?"(Daniel 4:35) for He is a just God. I will serve the Lord, the only one worthy of praise. The Lord will humble the proud.

Love For The Lost & The Gospel

I have noticed this year that I just lacked a radical Love for the lost and the Gospel. I have been praying for some time about this, but to be honest, up til now did little more than that to confront it. I have sat with the excuse that right now my ministry is to the believers and helping in the instructing and teaching of fellow believers. As my direction more and more changes from OTW to missions in Guatemala this need to confront this issue became harder and harder to avoid. I'm realizing more and more how many opportunities are in front of me now to not just speak into Christians but to the lost. Now I do believe for a time my efforts were to be more greatly directed toward believers but that is no excuse for slacking in my Love toward the lost. I need to be prepared in and out of season, 2 Timothy 4.

Lately I have been looking at a lot of atheist debates and replies to Christian videos on Youtube. Just curious I guess, but it worked in me more than I intended. At first I was angry seeing all the comments of people just bashing believers, but then after seeing what "believers" were writing, this tension just broke my heart! Seeing arrogance battle arrogance in this stupor the internet calls a debate. I began watching some atheist supporting videos picking apart some Christian videos and I began to think that these people are unreachable... Today as I looked again my heart just began to break- who am I to limit God's reach?! They are not unreachable, that is not for me to decide. The mission, the COMMAND, to me is to be a witness of the Great and Holy Savior, Jesus Christ. I am to preach the gospel to all the nations, I am to Go! Mark 16:15, Mathew 28:19. Now my Love and Passion for the Gospel and the lost is in a renewing stage and is ever increasing.

As well from all this I learned another lesson. I need not prove God or really defend His existence! Now I have been told this many times but I still struggled with it until recently, as I have spent much time and thought on the subject. In this video below there is a small part where he says "Tying to prove God is like defending a lion, it don't need your help..." This quote was really the gateway that led me to confront my long avoided issues, and as well it cemented in me that I don't need to argue with the world. God is a Loin much greater than anything that stands and needs not our feeble attempts to defend. We simply should obey His commands.

The Power of God

Early this spring I went to Niagara Falls with my soon to be wife Ashley, and our good friends Tal and Natasha. It was a much needed trip to just enjoy friends and recharge. I think I needed this trip more that I could have thought at the moment. This trip reawakened something inside me that I really needed back..... adventure!

This all sparked from really one moment in the trip. We had just got done looking at the falls and we were walking upriver to cross to the other side. I looked over at a log sticking out of the rushing water and all I could do was think about siting on that log. I wanted to sit there with my legs in the water just feeling the water rushing over and around me with such beautiful force. I wanted to feel the terrifying power of the falls. Of course Ashley told me no so I stayed on shore haha. But it really made me realize something, I Love to me in the midst of Gods rushing power! Its a terrifying yet peaceful thing. I men lets be honest the power of God is terrifying when you think about it, a God who can stop your existence at any moment if He wills! A God who has risen and destroyed nations! The God who sets mighty storms, the God who can rain fire from the heavens, the great creator! But yet there is a peace, a peace of security. Knowing that I have a inheritance from this God given to me from Jesus. This God is on my side! He is my protector and my provider. His wrath is not pointed at me but at devil and his schemes. The feeling really overwhelms me and fills me with thankfulness, wonder, and Love for my God. I wonder if this is something I may share with my biblical hero David. For constantly he was in the midst of Gods mighty power. As I read his Psalms I see Gods might and power constantly mentioned. I know not all of Davids heard but maybe he shared this feeling I have. I dont know but what I do know is it brings me closer to God.

All of this It revealed to me that adventure shows me something about God that I just love to dwell in, His mighty power. As I look back it seems that its in my time of adventure that I saw this power most. Maybe its time for more adventures 

God sends

You ever heard the term "God send"? you know like when God sends you someone or a group of someones to do something that needed to be done, or to say something we needed to hear? Well we certainly had a group of God sends a few weeks ago!

God sent us a group of three great men and one lovely couple. Even how this group came to us is a miraculous work of God. We planned on the group of three guys coming but they stopped and picked up this couple who's car broke down. They stopped and talked to them figured out that they are working toward being missionaries overseas, so to make a story short they asked them if they would like to come along haha (this is in Caralinia by the way, we are in Ohio.) I would tell you more but that would be a whole other blog in itself! Anyway back to the God send part, this group was exactly what we needed right when we needed it. Our group was in this state of weariness and discouragement and was struggling to find joy. this group came in busting through our door and full of the spirit of God. They were just spitting truth from scripture, screaming and yelling, laughing, crying, hugging, singing, just being a uplifting force of encouragement. It was amazing to this this gift from The Lord before my eyes. The group stayed for a few days and it was nothing but a blessing filled with testimony and lovingly spurring one another on in godliness.

I'm just thankful for that group and how they allowed themselves to be used by God to encourage us. Thank you Lord for the gathering of your brothers and sisters for encouragement and your glory.